Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
