we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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