You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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