I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
