Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
