I wish my penis had an off switch
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
he thought i was a dude.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
