I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
