It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
