That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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