At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
