i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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