Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
