Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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