I think I am morally bankrupt
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
