thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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