He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
