There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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