Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
