Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
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