Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
