that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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