I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
