I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Randomize
