Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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