My boss' voice literally gives me gas
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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