a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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