chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
