My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
