she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Randomize