omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
