so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
