i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
