So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
