i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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