if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
