I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
My underwear smells like fireworks.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Randomize
