It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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