So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
