youre lurking in front of me
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
