I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
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