They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
