I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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