Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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