Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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