just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
