I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Randomize
