We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
