Can i not drive my cunt home
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
