Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
