i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize