You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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